[Previously on Charmo’s Quest]

After an exciting and action-packed battle against a scorpion the size of two Charmos our hero, more poisoned than an assassinated Irish Illuminati member on Saint Patrick’s Day, returns to the settlement from whence he traipsed. He has in tow the tail of the rad scorpion unlucky enough to run across this charismatic bloody mess of a man.

Back in town he strikes up some conversation with the natives.

Wubba indeed, Charmo. Wubba indeed.

Charmo is put on edge at this mention of his home. How could this loquacious sorceress possibly have such intimate knowledge of him? Surely dark majjicks are afoot.

Yes, “that look.” Perhaps the look that screams “Hello, I am wearing a bright blue jump suit with a massive yellow number 13 on my back! I am from a vault! Perhaps said vault is vault 13? Who can say? Certainly not I! Or you for that matter! Please leave me alone!”

She proved of no interest to Charmo. Perhaps there is kinder fare to be found in a southern area of the village?

Has Charmo found a friend in this leather-jacketed road warrior?

No.

However, in the next house Charmo enters uninvited his heart is set alight with a burning he has never known before.

As you have seen already, dear reader, the majority of things fall into the category of things Charmo has never known before, but with this burning comes for the first time the desire to know. He must vocalize this thirst. His only choice is to slur at the top of his lungs “Uhhh?”

Like two comets passing in the night, as quickly as the two have met they are once again twain, and Charmo’s heart is similarly situated.

Life outside his cozy vault has fallen heavy upon Charmo the big dumb idiot’s shoulders. The people, scenery and sounds flash around him, a never-ending swirl of unintelligible motion and color and his mind feels like a stone; heavy, motionless, and dry.

Will Charmo ever find love or, more importantly, the water chip for which he left Vault 13? Tune in next time on Charmo’s Quest!

[Previously on Charmo’s Quest]

On his way to Vault 15, Charmo finds himself distracted by a big shiny stone hut settlement known as Shady Sands. A nice young man with a bland young name greets him at the gate. He strikes up conversation.

After taking the time to insult Charmo’s intelligence, he gives him a word of advice. “Watch out for the sidequest!” he says. Naturally Charmo’s admittedly rather excitable interest is piqued. “Scorpin!” he nearly demands of the man.

Well of course Charmo would love for you to kindly point out the direction in which he might go were he to want to possibly go to the cave at some point in the distant future—

Fuck quick travel.

[Previously on Charmo’s Quest]

Charmo the big dumb idiot steps out of his nuclear fallout-proof vault, the only world he has ever known, into a cold dark cave. To his left he sees the corpse of what we can only assume was a former vault mate. It is unclear if Charmo has a concept of death or even knows that he, too, has a skeleton inside of him. Regardless, he treats the be-suited bones with the respect and dignity they deserve.

Orrrrr he loots it of a rather large combat knife and some ammo. Right!

As he rounds a corner, he is accosted by three Cave Rats. He makes short, bloody handiwork of them. There were no squeaks. There was no time.

Our single-digit-savant has somehow made it out of his home cave without choking on his own tongue or using his knife as an eye scratcher. What awaits Charmo in his quest to slake his countrymen’s thirst? Tune in next time to find out!

The quest of Charmo, the big dumb idiot

Fallout’s character creation scheme allows a player to tailor their stats from “V. Bad” to “Heroic” (Except for “Strength” which will only go down to 3 for some inexplicable reason)

Guess what time it is? It’s time to lower the bar on our glorious hero’s IQ.

Here’s the printout of Charmo’s stat sheet:

                                  FALLOUT

                         VAULT-13 PERSONNEL RECORD

                        05 December 2161  0721 hours

  Name: Charmo          Age: 23               Gender: Male

 Level: 01                 Exp: 0            Next Level: 1,000

 ::: Statistics :::

       Strength: 04         Hit Points: 043/033         Sequence: 04

     Perception: 04        Armor Class: 004         Healing Rate: 02

      Endurance: 07      Action Points: 07       Critical Chance: 010%

       Charisma: 10       Melee Damage: 05          Carry Weight: 125 lbs.

   Intelligence: 01        Damage Res.: 000%

        Agility: 04     Radiation Res.: 014%

           Luck: 10        Poison Res.: 035%

 ::: Traits :::           ::: Perks :::           ::: Karma :::

  Heavy Handed                                     Reputation (General) 0

  Bloody Mess                                      

 ::: Skills :::                ::: Kills :::

  Small Guns ….. 059%

  Big Guns ……. 014%

  Energy Weapons . 014%

  Unarmed …….. 069%

  Melee Weapons .. 079%

  Throwing ……. 044%

  First aid …… 032%

  Doctor ……… 017%

  Sneak ………. 029%

  Lockpick ……. 024%

  Steal ………. 024%

  Traps ………. 024%

  Science …….. 027%

  Repair ……… 021%

  Speech ……… 065%

  Barter ……… 040%

  Gambling ……. 050%

  Outdoorsman …. 009%

 ::: Inventory :::

                                      Total Weight: 0 lbs.

You’ll notice I’ve maxed his Luck and Charisma and taken “Bloody Mess,” the trait that accentuates every death around my character.

I’ve got big plans for Charmo.